Thursday, August 4, 2011

On Writers

I have been thinking a lot about writers in general and writing. It's kinda' like when you decide to be an actor and just do it... and do it... 'til you get acclaim for it... or not. I have always wanted wanted to write my story. It has no big, huge, dramatic, moments... rawther more, teenage, big, dramatic moments. What is it like growing up on stage? What is it like doing a job you don't reallllly want to but know know you should appreciate because it has it's HUGE, celebrity-impacting moments. What is it like wanting to write a tell-all but being married to a normal, responsible adult who would never want to be involved in a tell-all story.  How do those "Real Housewives" make peace with it all... all the editing for bad behavior? I suppose in this day and age it will be soon forgotten or unimportant in the grand scheme.

Sooo writing - I wanted to tell my mother's story. I wanted it to be the example my friends wanted it to be, "Tell us how your mother lived. She obviously had it all figures out and was such a shining example."  I say they should go to India. That mode of thinking will help them. That big-picture mentality would be nice. They like that. 

I read memoirs... I read memoirs of people in a mind-life crisis. I read Penelope Trunk. I read women circa their 30's and 40's (I was 9 when I realized my awesome mother was awesome in her 30's and only getting more awesome in her 40's - prettier, smarter, more everything - and I knew that was THE AGE to be - the age Anna Wintour is frozen in to me.)  and I knew she was who I wanted to be... an independent woman with an amazing moral compass and was top drawer.

Then I grew up and wanted to be the "Auntie Mame" version of me mum. Amazing, perfect, and hec yeah a little glam. Oh, gawd I am boring myself. Am gonna' go finish this champagne and plan an anti-food-binge to get ready for the fashion show. #NervousNellyIsMyNewName :-)

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Be My Book Editor Please! Am Writing An "Anti-Aging Happily Ever After" book...

i remember thinking "be careful not to break it" and as i flipped over the frame on the kitchen island  to properly align the photo that would hopefully brighten my mother's day even a little, because what else could i possibly do to help that wasn't being done, it shattered. i froze. i stopped and just stared at the way the glass had broken. long strips of knife like strips... sharp at every corner... like shiny edged daggers aligned in a beautiful fan shape. one had speared me in the thigh (a scar that never ceases to remind me of that moment) and was sticking straight up and i just watched it for what felt like minutes but in reality was seconds. I wasn't sure what my next tactical movement should be but also wanted to live in that escapist moment for as long as i could.

what a relief in an odd way to pause all the chaos and fear and panic that raced through my head constantly and stare at the beautiful fan shape of glass sticking out of my thigh. i wanted to live in that moment. i wanted to swim in that moment, to never leave it... like a good book you want never to end.

my mother... my mother... my mother... my smiling, nurturing, encouraging, role modeling best friend and the woman i had been obsessed with and based all my thoughts, life outlooks, and opinions on since i was born was going through the unthinkable - fighting a battle with metastasized cancer that had come back like some unchecked demon viking to wreak havoc on an otherwise perfect, generous, positive being.

we were there every day. all of us. the father, the mother, the daughter, the surgeon, the son, the daughter, the son-in-law, the son-in-law to be, the caretaker, the other doctor, the healer, the nutritionist, the cook, the woman that helped you imagine healing, the modern scientist, the ayurvedic healer, the friend, the other friend, the many friends, the people with tears, the people with strength, the idiot brother who called so say goodbye in the midst of her battle (who i try to forgive every day) as if she already was going as if it was decided (idiot monster nightmmare that he is), the helpers, the protein shakes when the chemo hurt her GI too much, the organic,the vegan, the many books on cancer, the injustice, the shock, the things unsaid, the managing of a grand mal... and i just wanted to live in that glassy, shiny, dagger in my thigh moment for as long as i could..

how did this all begin? where does cancer begin? on a toxic railroad in a 3rd world city? do we pick up something as children, store it in our fat for 20 yrs and then it becomes cancer? are we hormonally imbalanced and perimenopause makes it happen? what are the secrets the centenarians hold? why do some centenarians drink and smoke and still live forever... why should i be good if it doesn't up my chances at immortality.

This process brought me to where I am now... happy in my CRON world of Anti-Aging I call it. The older I get the harder i CRON and find new ways to use the plastic surgeons magical filler. i want to spill all my secrets... - out (drops microphone loudly on the floor, smiles seductively, and exits stage left) #TurnDownForWhat

Sunday, March 20, 2011

To Dani Shapiro regarding her book Devotion

Thank you so much for writing it. The insightful, life lesson giving Sanskrit words I heard a little here and there from my parents while growing up were wonderful to read from someone from a different culture than mine. The sweet, candy-best-bits of the yoga of my grandparents were a treat to read. All the witty Yiddish I got to hear while growing up in New Jersey was wonderful to read about from someone within the culture.
I really related to the struggle between assimilation and holding to one's cultural history and finding our own way within it. I really related to the connection between your father and you. I feel connected/bonded to my parents in that way.
There are cultural things, languages and phrases stuck in my head that I can't seem to say out loud without tears even though it's what I was trained to do and what I do best.  All this despite wanting to share and pass it on to the next generation.
I will think more about this and how to write it better and how to get all of it out of me. There is a rich story of  truth and triumph waiting to be told and I hope I get to take one of your writing courses to figure out how to tell it.
Thank you! Mazel tov on a wonderful story! XX - out (drops microphone loudly on the floor, smiles seductively, and exits stage left) #TurnDownForWhat

Sunday, March 6, 2011

The Justin Bieber Movie : the best review ever! :-)

SO I went to go see a Bieber about a thing.. . because he sings and I sing and it's my job so I should see it. Yeah he sounds like Michael Jackson as a kid, yes he's is good, and yes the movie was brilliant movie propaganda (the kind I imagine Russian politicians using).

It starts off showing you how awesome he is, his amazing dance moves, his voice coach,  the good music, the crazy lovesick Beatlemania-isque fans, his grandparents, his team, his mom, his hype-man (Ryan? whose job I have where I work and looooove it!), his struggle to sell out Madison Square (which happens in 22 minutes), him as a child star. It ends by teaching us the words to his biggest song, him bowing to god, him as a child, him being referred to as the underdog (bah) and fade to black.

Marketing genius. I walked out of there wanting to go find my HBO video guy and make it happen, I wrote a song while I was watching the movie (and it's honest and a good start - ahhhh I've just spilled it - that is the thing I should always be doing but never am - the 20 year music career which was taken from me due to medical reasons - the thing I fight for daily - bring it back the voices say - don't waste your 20 years - but there is just fear, solitude, and sadness there now - in that musical space and every musician I meet is a pothead/slacker with no hard core work ethic - I like science, music and dance is my drug... and maybe coffee, I like to work hard, so I am still finding my way and making friends with my protools software slowwwwwwly), it was motivational... not for the children I went with but for the marketing gal in me. 
My computer is having a fit so I will post this and come back to it. Note to self: type up posts in Wordpad first. :-)

Adieu XX

Post Script: The one scene I was surprised they left in was when Justin comes off stage and is still in "serenading the girl/turning on his charm mode" and he hugs everyone and goes to hug his mom who was zoning out probably from fatigue in a corner... they show her surprise expression of "why are you coming up to me in seductive mode"and then she snaps into mom mode and says "That was amazing." I loved that scene too. It was odd enough to stick in my head and shows an example of how they are just taking it one day at a time and alllll raising this teen the best they can.
I love these docu-movies... am hoping there are more! :-)

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Charlie Sheen, Joan Rivers, Reality vs Entertainment

My mom died two years ago and I pulled what I will from now on refer to as a Charlie Sheen or Joan Rivers. Reality went away and I went into lalaland.

Like the episode when Joan takes the photo of Melissa in the shower because she is just doing what she does best, pushing the envelope and being an entertainer. Then, Melissa, her daughter, who is mentally based in reality and not entertainment gets upset, verbally bitch-slaps Joan, and basically puts the breaks on their relationship until Joan comes to her senses and apologizes.

Now we have Charlie Sheen, who is frankly saying things I say (just not out-loud in front of a large audience)... "I am tired of pretending I don't rock" or however he phrased it... who needs humble (BAH!), "I am an entertainer, I am putting on a show for you, I am bored and entertaining you and myself... These are my goddesses... I am a warlock" etc. Not exact quotes but that's my interpretation of the gist of it. He is being a modern day Auntie Mame in my opinion.  SO to people who don't understand this, he has lost his mind. To me, he's is just sick of reality and being playful and fun and dramatic and over-the-top. That's better than taking drugs... and far more entertaining for everybody.

I don't know all the details. I am not going to follow that story too closely. There are children being taken away or something. I don't stop and stare at train wrecks (in general I try to give only positive feedback to things I like, and ignore the things I don't - so as not to encourage that horrifying squeaky wheel gets the grease - the loudest complainer gets the most attention - thing. yuck. who needs a planet full of complainers. just say what you gotta' say diplomatically and work it out... but i digress) so I only know what I am typing. I just wanted to comment on what I saw and what it made me think of.

After my mom died my sister would always look at me when I said things and ask, "Who are you?". I dunno'. I am thespian, I am anything at any time. I flip into modes. I am Kim Kardashian one moment ( sorry :-) ) and Joan Rivers the next. I am the perfect, conservative preppy mom at my kids school and a rock n' roller at professional events. I look completely drunk when I wear high heels because it throws off my balance and I just don't care... I go with it.

I think one of the privileges of being a thespian, artistic human, and especially a woman who has hair and dress "costume changes" at her fingertips is we can be anything we want.

XX Adieu
  Cor, gawwwd, where's the spell check?

Chelsea Handler, Dolly Parton and my Food Addiction in my French Regency McMans.

Sitting in my soon to be French Regency styled McMans trying to figure out how to redecorate without having to go through the torture of redecorating. It's like shopping for me... TORTURE! I never get what I want because I am nice and want to make it work for both hubby and I and I tend to dress and want to be around a movie set. I want to live on the Louis XIV set or in the King's Speech and my husband would be sooo disgusted if I fully redecorated that way. I can't help it! I grew up on the stage! SO we are a skit-so mix of French Regency (me) meets  Wall Street contemporary (him).

Ahem, back to taking off the last 35billion lbs. I am a whopping 142lbs and my goal and what is good for my height and health would be 110lb. I haven't been 110lbs since I was maybe 14 yrs old but my mother was 110lbs when she got married and she is 2 inches taller than me so it's fine, trust me.
Why do I want the 110lbs? I am high risk for breast cancer and to be underweight is to have less fat which carries estrogen which makes the good and the bad happen. Being slightly underweight needs to be maintained by a highly nutritive calorie restricted diet, both of which have been shown to be great for life extension.

Why have I weighed 142lbs for about a decade despite continuing to be on some form of diet and exercise at all times? I am a food addict. I dream about eating, when I am not eating I think about it. I hate it. I love it. It makes me out of control. I have it totally under control and am not tempted at all. I love steamed vegetables. I hate steamed vegetables and want something more. Bethenny Frankel is my god. No, now it's Dr. Fuhrman. Now it's those Skinny Bitch girls. No wait it's... all the food noise in my head makes me so crazy that I also spend most of my day wanting a drink. I can't drink. There's just no time for me to be drunk. I have things to do and places to drive my kids and I don't mess with alcohol unless I have like 10 hrs to spare. Sooo that does not come up too often.

I went to the gym 2 days ago and did this hard core dumbbell thing like the good old days. I was gonna' prevent osteoporosis! Whoo! Great posture, looked hot in the mirror, felt great, took a fitness class after and worked out, I was graceful like they say about me, a dancer, a swan, a hottie, perfect form, strong moves, great stance, just perfect... I was going to go every single day because it made me feel so good.  Now I can't walk or move I am so sore... expected but annoying.  Am so sore everything sucks and there is no way I am taking medicine (Advil) for a workout. I am a healthy girl (except for the neurotic stuff in my head,  clearly) who doesn't mess with med's unless she has to.  So because of the pain I just ate everything in the house. There isn't much that is unhealthy but when one is counting 1100-1600 calories a day and just inhales that much within an hour... ugh.

Still 142lbs! Every Monday I start over and have it all under control by Friday and tell myself I will not mess up on the weekend and then I do. Rinse. Repeat adnauseum. I tell myself I am in good company because Chelsea Handler and Dolly Parton do this cycle too! But then I realize they don't have 30lbs to lose.
I have to get a better plan. Back to the food journal notebook. There is a Gala thing next week and have just ordered the dress. I will fit into it. I will fit into it. I will fit into it.

No long goodbyes... thank you for reading! Adieu! XO

Friday, February 25, 2011

Mel Brooks on Facebook!!!

1. I think there should be a Mel Brooks Facebook App for people who need the perfect smart/funny/honest line in a situation. I suspect it would save me from inserting my foot in my mouth several times a day.

2. Just accidentally discovered that if you drink coffee through a straw to not muss your lipstick before a meeting and there is a micro-hole in it, you will in fact be drinking something that tastes like coffee and Perrier.

If I were-a-twittering these would be my tweets people. Scintillating #BienSur

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The GRAMMY'S! I went! Yay!

Can't tell you how excited I am to have done alll of this! Dieting is no longer an issues. Am completely inspired to stay on my protein/veggies, small portions diet.

Am beyond excited to acquire all my goals... am getting on it! Yay! Really, that's all it took. I went somewhere and hob-nobbed in my minidress and high heels and I felt I was charming and reminded me of the me I used to be. XO

I will post again the next time I fall into that depression state... seriously I only post or have ever written in my diary when I needed to get it out. When I am happy I take photo's of it and all the smiles.

Anyone else do that? - out (drops microphone loudly on the floor, smiles seductively, and exits stage left) #TurnDownForWhat

Thursday, January 27, 2011

What Does A Real Housewife Do All Day? ( Million Dollar Listing? )

I wanted to blog this to remind myself of this stage in my life. I have been Googling to find out what affluent housewives do all day and is there no one out there like me? 

Our youngest is now in Kindergarten and I have 4 hours to myself a day. I have been filling it with business on the computer, organizing things in the house (because really who thinks straight when the kids are home and potentially needy at any moment) and entertaining the idea of working out more than I do and getting that perfect bod.

Our weekends are extravagant, indulgent, exhausting, social, engaging, fulfilling and fun but here is what I do all day from Mon-Fri:
Wake up at 5:30-ish am. Sip my coffee and watch "The New Adventures of Old Christine" on DVR or "Will and Grace" if it's on or the news. Husband is getting ready for his day or at the computer so we chat and hug (no that's not code for anything else... and if it was I wouldn't tell you... because a lady doesn't tell... and I can pretend to be a lady with the best of 'em) and talk about our day plans and then I shower and get ready for my day. I wake the kids at 6:50. Then it's a whirlwind of showers, breakfast, making lunch and out the door by 7:30 to drop them off.
8:30 I get home if I haven't popped over to Target or a health food store for groceries. Computer, Facebook (ugh - it's a love-hate thing), Googling things that need answers, the housekeeper does most of the housework and especially that involving chemicals, maybe have Kathy and Hoda on doing a job I would rock, food journal and try to stay under 1600 calories, etc etc and bored by 11am and still don't have to leave the house until 12something.
Then when I pick up the kids it's all about coaching the kids through life, teaching, mommying, helping, dinner making with kids, homework, lessons, activities, hubby gets home, and get the kids to bed. Now I have 1.5 hrs until I pass out at 11pm to fill.

I am soooooo bored. The monotony of it all is devastating. It's all so Stepford perfect. Perfect hubby, perfect straight A, generous, kind, sporty kids, perfect life and I AM so grateful but I need a sense of accomplishment in something I do alone and I need to socialize. I need a job I think... especially next year when the baby is in school all day. I need to get out there and meet other people and socialize but don't know where to start. I need to contribute in way that feels meaningful and bold to me and in something that I get to put a suit or structured sheath dress on and feel pretty doing every day. I can't wait until I figure this puzzle out. The isolation is killing me and Facebook is not reality. My family and extended family apparently need to see me to feel close to me and they're 2500 miles away. I need to get a public hobby. I guess I could start where I always go - the gym. - out (drops microphone loudly on the floor, smiles seductively, and exits stage left) #TurnDownForWhat

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Food Journal : Dieting : Day 7

Oscar nominations are out. Tiger Mom is all over TV. I am in bed with a cold.
The first week went well. I lost 2 lbs by counting calories and staying vegan-ish, mostly. 1100 was my daily goal but I ended up between 1100-1800 daily. Not bad. 
Then I got a cold AND had a weekend trip so I digressed. It's Tuesday today, day 2 of my restart or day 7 (since I took the weekend off). I stilll have a cold but the good news is I am still excited to do the food journal and count calories while trying to make sure it's nutrient dense. What gets me through is unlimited spearmint gum and Periier. :-)
I have no energy to get done what I need to get done but I guess that's dieting mode. I am isolating myself from being too social while dieting because that just messes up my focus (I tend to insert foot in mouth and that can be emotionally taxing too - lol). Am just focusing on the family and home tasks at hand (like nesting that a pregnant woman does - another time when on just has to focus on themselves).
141lbs = now. 125=goal I think. It depends on how the clothes fit. My goal is a size 4 and a ton of face filler in the naso-labial lines that are sure to make themselves seen when there is less fat on my face... and chemical peels... constant, consistent peels until that hot summer sun hits. Ugh.
I think I need to just take 1 meal off a week and not the entire weekend. One meal where I focus on extra protein or fruits or whatever I slacked on during the week and try hard not to do the chocolate I always want. Saturday nights.  
As soon as my cold feels better I plan on working out more. I did a few 20 lb dumbbell chest presses and push-ups and crunches and dancing/stretching with the lights off. All my favorite ways to work out and if I can't be drunk while dancing then in the dark is good enough. Motivated to do more when the cold is beaten and my perpetual headache is gone and the white cells have done their freaking job. OK - so off we go! Up, up and away! (Insert eye roll here.) :-)

What I eat changes every day and some days I am more vegan than others. I just try to keep it healthy, mostly veggies, and write down my calories... here is what I ate yesterday:
5am : black coffee with stevia : 0 calories
9am : whole wheat crackers with honey (ooops) : 200 calories
12pm: Salad with lettuce base and egg crumbles on top : 400 calories
3pm : Almond butter, coconut milk yogurt, organic chicken nuggets (oops) : 700 calories
7pm : Veggies, soup, and a tangerine : 250 calories
TOTAL: 1550 calories

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Official Start Week (take II) M-F

Monday: Inspired by an interview by Danielle Stein of Gary Taubes in the February edition of Town & Country magazine I have decided to throw all caution, anti-oxidants and intuition to the wind and do it Atkins style! Decided to start this 20lb loss with lo-carb Atkins the first week. Stocked up on eggs, spinach, almonds, a chocolate Atkins bar pack for the weak moment that is sure to happen, teas, and gum and we are a go! Will update Friday. The goal after that is to add back in other veggies, fruit, whole grain, lentil and count 1100-1600 daily. Am starting lo-carb to better deal with hunger and to get rid of extra salt/sugar/water weight and for water loss and added motivation. Adieu. :-) XO

Tuesday: You know what's really good when you're freezing in induction phase I in the winter on Atkins? A 12 oz mug with water, a bouillon cube, and an egg stirred in... egg drop soup (1-2 carbs and 100 calories). Yum! :-)

Fri : Stomach flu
Sat: Off Atkins and on the BRAT diet for sicky tummies (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast) - lost 3 lbs. Down 6 from last week total.
We will see what happens when I feel beter.

Atkins is effective at hunger control and a great thing to do to kick start a diet. I am a vegan at heart so it's mentally taxing and gross for me. So I am glad to have lasted a week and looked amazing today - the key to feeling better is to just straighten my hair, watch a Joan Rivers documentary and lose a few lbs apparently. We shall see what Tuesday brings. :-)

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Misery... does not love company.

It's Sunday. I am very excited to start fresh tomorrow and put a plan into place and execute it. This plan includes laundry because I'm already freezing and eating less is going to throw me into hypothermia.
Miserable... miserable... out of control miserable. Too many external eating cues, too much nonsense. I don't even think I made horrible choices.... but there were just too many social opportunities and although I chose well and tried my best not to pig out... all those opportunities add up. Anyway, feeling huge and gross and there is still cupcake mix in the house before the home is purged of all temptation. That excites me.... after the sugar is once again gone it's so much easier (No worries, there is still kid food in the house for the wee ones - organic sweet potato fries, organic no hormone chicken nuggets, health food store kid cereal, etc.... and gawd bless them they actually love my lentil soup with sweet potato, brown rice and Chinese 5-spice, and Pumpkin Spice on top of all the Indian spice, steamed broccoli with soy sauce, and onions with peas and mushrooms etc.).

SO yes I feel awful and am tempted to write about it to remind myself how awful it is to feel awful when out of control and plan-less but it's almost too awful to confess. To let food and addiction to food control how I feel about myself seems stupid, not what a smarty like me should get wound up about. It's painful feeling like a loser. So I am focusing on the plan and tomorrow and the positive. (Insert smile here.) Like Scarlett in "Gone With the Wind" I say tomorrow is another day. Adieu. XO

UPDATE: 1pm that same day: "I'm drunk, and right now I'm so in love with you..." (NIN). I had 2 glasses of Italian Pinot Grigio after doing Jamie King's "Rock Your Body" DVD in which I truly did rock. Honestly, I don't really drink and 2 is plenty, thank you. So am doing bread and time until I can feel presentable. The kids are playing Wii, Xbox and are on their bikes... and their mother is drunk and typing in the pantry. I confess and cop to this and tell you this because I think "pathetic" in an otherwise perfect life is so much more interesting than "perfect" all the time. That must be why the Desperate Housewives of Bravo are so popular. (Did I mention I was offered the Real Housewives of New York thing but honestly don't know what that would do to my stress level or my kids?) I think that must be why the infamous Snooky is so popular. I caught the show for 5 minutes and was more disgusted with myself because I couldn't see anything outlandish - I mean, I would do that if I just let all my respect for my parent's values go - which frankly is too easy... especially when anonymous. Everyone has sex, why not on TV? Oh gawd.... have grossed myself out. Note to self: do not update the blog when tipsy. Adieu. XO

Friday, January 7, 2011

Day 1: 1/7/2011 the anti-inflammation begins...

Am determined to chronicle this online. It gets to feel LIVE for me and no one's watching anyway, right? :-)
I grew up a non-drinking, vegetarian (that's hard as a carb-addict who can't stop eating after she has 7 bites of something). I married an omnivore so I tried some chicken and a few other things when I had some wine and felt daring. I have dabbled in Vegan for two years (supplemented by B12 and Calcium and some other things I can't remember).
Now I consider myself "Mostly Vegan". A clean eater with a smidge of dairy about once a week (mostly to remind myself what it tastes like and to come home and make an identical tasting thing vegan), and a smattering of egg or chicken about 2-3 times a week.

10am: the housekeeper is here today so along with my 5am black, Mount Hagen organic coffee with Stevia I have had a decaf green tea by Celestial Seasonings, an Aveda The Tea, and a black Nutcracker Ballet tea. I try my best to stay out of her way because frankly the more laundry she does, the less chemicals I have to come in contacts with and apparently I am high risk for everything so it would affect me more than her anyway (wait until I mention the full body hives I have been having four times a day that should be enough to send me back on my anti-inflammation diet... oy vey).

I am trying to make this a "down" day on the Alternative Day diet where I eat 500 calories one day and a healthy albeit unrestricted one on the next day.The eating will happen no doubt when the kiddies get home from school and homework becomes an issue - I swear I am a better and more patient and perfect mom every single day. It's so nice when they're not 5 anymore and you can talk to them like people. I am not good with secrets within my immediate family and having to hide most of the world from young minds because they're not ready to receive the information was annoying and difficult when they were younger. To be untruthful to the people I love the most felt uncouth, gauche, unreal... there should be no secrets within immediate family. Everything can be dealt with, we are all human. I want to keep that going so the teen years a-coming are not horrible (fingers crossed). But I digress again...

Stats: am battling my last 20 to take off. Am a whopping 143 (which at 5'4" isn't even clinically obese I think but I am determined not to be a size 10 anymore and not have to wear painful spanx or torturous girdles or three pair of control tummy Beyonce nylons (How perfect and numb to the pain of her heels does she look in her performances?) just so my hips don't stick out and I get a nice silhouette). I am determined to feel GORGEOUS and sexy again before I hit mid-life. I am determined to be able to throw on an outfit and and have it just look good. I am determined to  take all that energy and confidence and happiness that I am sure to feel and spread it around. I am determined to stay or get back to being an intellectual girl. I am determined to have an amazing, sexy photoshoot this year.
I am determined.

I am sure to have some steamed veggies and protein today and something sinister at lunch when the kids are around. What lurks around the corner for my tummy I will tell you the next time I log in.
Happy noshing! All my love and strength my loves. XOXX

UPDATE: 2 hrs later. The little one is home. Have had a salad sans dressing (ok a little Lemon Poppy dressing) and organic crackers with blue frosting. Yes there is still junk from the holidays kicking around the house and yes it will be destroyed, eaten, gotten rid of when my husband comes home and I beg him to throw out perfectly good, unopened cans of sweet gingerbread house decoration and other junk because I just can't and he, being the most perfect person in the world (yes I do blush when I talk about him and we've been married 15 yrs... eww too sickeningly sweet I know) who wants to help me, will. So there's that. Dinner will be better... veggies and protein.

Hmmmm, maybe this should just be a Twitter food journal so I don't have to log in every 3 hrs and cry into my food from a lack of followers a la Liz Lemon... hmmmm... - out (drops microphone loudly on the floor, smiles seductively, and exits stage left) #TurnDownForWhat

CR Diet: my new "thang"...

Taken by Lola of VeganYumYum
I have a confession to make, yet again, I am a foodie. I am an emotional eater. The only time I feel good is when I get a grip on my diet. The only time I feel good is when I have had around 1100 calories a day.
I have struggled with the same 10-20 lbs my ENTIRE life. I am that yo-yo dieter that one should never be. I obsess about eating or not eating or food or not food until it becomes too much. If food were a pill I could take my life would be sooo much easier.

There! I said it. I confess!

We all know that food can't be as simple as a pill, I know that food is a drug. I know that all the external and emotional cues are my downfall when I am uncentered. I know I need to manage my stress but still stay based in reality. I know that life is not Disneyland... and I know that I actually love a challenge and don't really like Disneyland that much anyway... on a  clear day. :-)

IT IS 2011!
I am reading Madame Bovary for the first time (and I am not usually a fiction reader except for the classics but a recent article in Elle magazine peaked my interest for this book) and it turns out it's a free Kindle download. Fun! :-)

I am reading "The Alternative Day Diet" which kind of makes me feel fun, funky, alternative... a little bit of flaky/svelte Just Jack combined with Ellen (when I dress like her I feel most ME anyway - it's Donna Karan circa 1995)... and it's a version of Caloric Restriction.

That's my current back story.

NOW: What is CRON?
To me it is a way of eating that frees me from all the rules I grew up with. I do not have to finish my daal (lentils), I do not have to eat at a prescribed time, I do not have to follow external cues of commercials or react to the mention of food. I may not have the prettiest face when I am done dieting but I am FREE to do what I want.... to dangle on the edge of anorexia without a clinical diagnosis.
Food is a drug and I love the idea of taking a drug (am a bit stuck in the idea of being a cool hippy-chick despite being a smart health freak who would never smoke or do anything resembling inappropriate... on purpose... despite my thrill seeking, firey personality... if I just redefine my idea of THRILL then anything can be a thrill! How Stepford! I know... trust me... I know what you are thinking. I know how critical the reader is. I don't care. You can't care if you are going to attempt to put your truth out there.)
It's like all the dieting books say: If you take out all the sugar and minimize salt then you can taste real food, taste what life and a carrot is supposed to taste like! The problem is I am afraid of success sometimes (no matter how well I try to set myself up to succeed) and truly have come to enjoy the feeling of being uncomfortably numb and desensitized.

But I digress... refocus... reboot... Calorie Restriction.... the bubble of Calorie Restriction.
It means you eat all the freaking veggies you want within a certain time period and some protein and wee bit of whole grain to get your cells to throw out all the inflammation, all the extra lymph you don't need, all the extra BS that is slowly poisoning your mind/body. SLEEK UP!
Difficult? Yes. Impossible? Maybe.