Friday, January 18, 2013

I've let myself go... #SummingUp #Refocusing #2013Resolutions! #BringIt# #It'sBritneyBit

Blonde to Brunette!
I've let myself go...

1. I have not had the desire for my upscale Vodka martini.

2. I have been eating almost every meal out.

3. I have not gone to the gym.

4. I have not changed my sheets in 2 weeks.

5. I have not logged onto Facebook and marketed anything (it was going well but I hate it and it is joyless now - and it has been stressful for 3 years - and it feels manipulative - as if "What can I post that will get the fans to LIKE - without being outrageous. How shall I phrase it for maximum effect. Blech.)

6. With the end of 2012 came the end of my resolution to stop "trying" to make more friends.  I have them, I have social things to do at the club, the parties and all... they're around me, but it's not fulfilling me the way the thrill of a job did... and the social anxiety of "what did what she say really mean" was killing me. I have found peace without... and I am too much of a goody-two-shoes to be photographed in anything that wasn't a work party anyway - so I can go back to work. Wheeeee! At least that always meets with expected outcomes. What?

So here's the kicker. I got on the scale and haven't gained a lb even though I am not starving myself at all. Yes I am JUST not overweight but that's still not skinny by Hollywood standards.

I am still dressing better. I can walk around in work-chic clothes because I am not running back/forth to/from the gym.

My allergy med days are still AWFUL but it is Winter and I can take a few days off and the last day off get through it with one day of Afrin before allergy meds again and so I have a few lucid days (today is not one of them).

I feel ok not overworking myself and not being so masochistic.  For someone like me, a shy artist at heart, I have gone through life feeling like I must push myself and only when I am uncomfortable am I doing something worth doing. Hate chemistry? That's your new major. Hate to be on stage? That's your weekly career. The gym and starvation hurts? It's good for you and it's your answer!  Suck in your guts, shoulders back, paste on a smile and go forth! Seriously, since I was 9. I will be 40 within a year and really... that's enough of that.

My children are doing so well, getting their A's, getting complimented on their manners, clothes, the care and consideration with which they conduct themselves... my husband is working too hard and succeeding at what he does (nothing new for him, he was like that when I met him), so maybe I can chill a little and find some ways to smile more that are genuine.

I feel like this is my year to stop the fantasies... of writing, of Paris - I've been there and I think we are going again this year but I will be separating it from the magic-thinking some of us romantic types do about it.  I read a blog by a male who typed something like, "stop the magic thinking about writing. just do it, do it daily, and it will unfold"... no I don't think that's what he typed... but that was my take away.

SOOOOOO this year's goals.

1. Keep all the good stuff rolling along. The kids, the hubby, the home, the famiglia, the country club crap.

2. Photo's of me as the brunette I am this year (because last year's blonde is gone and never ever ever getting back together). This is also known as proof to self that I am not the dog I think I am - because the Photoshopped version of me is lovable no matter how many times people come up to me in person and tell me I'm pretty.

3.  Make an EP (is that what they call a 3 song demo) out that summarises (sp) my skill set of the singing I put 20+ years into but hate - but I put SO MUCH WORK into it and there is no PhD to show for it so really what a waste... gawd. Ugh.

4.  Then write, write, write, write - don't waste one more international family vacation without some writing to show for it - not just photo's.

5. Be more genuinely joyful. Do what feels right and smart and correct but also what feels good... I think. Not too good though - not like ID good. lol Except on occasion and with hubby only. Ohgawd - embarrassed - need to flee.

Happy 2013!!!! - out (drops microphone loudly on the floor, smiles seductively, and exits stage left) #TurnDownForWhat