Prophylactic Bilateral Mastectomy with Reconstruction Healing - Week 5 after Surgery

5 days ago I went to see my physician who truly had very little to say about the pain and encouraged me to continue to massage and no heavy lifting but fly-free and push things slowly! 

So I figured I'm on my own here and determined that like a baby I will have to start anew! I quit all daytime pain meds and am using Tylenol at night as needed (sparingly) and am trying to find a way to phase out sleeping sitting upright.

I went back to a place I've loved since I was a child.  I went back to ballet. The long lean posture, and arms for stretching... the beauty of form and peace it brings to my mind. It does for me what yoga does for my friends.

Day 3 of driving a little more every day... I'm sleeping sitting up less often and just on my sides. 

I am at week 5 post-surgery... I hope things continue to get better. I Google things, in the car while parked, when the pain gets overwhelming and I still have a half day ahead of me and the stories online of the women who still feel these things in them and still feel the tightness years later and have formed internal scar tissue they can't break up - well I am working on that not being me and finding a way to help more women in the favorite of my charities I work with.

This surgery is a lot like having a dog so far, or a BMW, or hair extensions... it requires constant attention in the beginning and then lots of tweaking.  The feeling of it being there never leaves one's consciousness. It's very distracting.

I can't wait to post that this feels better but I am only at week five... the 6 week no lifting embargo is almost over. The 3 months go-back-to-the-gym-and-bench-press is yet to begin. The 6 month refining surgery is not soon. The 1 year mark of the light pink possible nipple tattoo I probably won't get isn't here. The 4% hydroquinone to bleach down scars hasn't begun. 

It's all too soon but I'm done blogging I think for now dear reader and I thank you for reading it.

I hope I helped some women who will go through this know what to expect. :)

BILATERAL PROPHYLACTIC MASTECTOMY: It's week 4. I can't drive. I can't heal. I can't stop feeling like a burden on my family. I can't accomplish anything.

Is this going to be my "after" in a few months? OK 
I've always felt we had a lot in common anyway. :)

It's week 4 after surgery. I can't drive. I can't heal. I can't stop feeling like a burden on my family (and they've been really kind and amazing). I can't accomplish anything. I am extremely frustrated. 

A few days ago I healed to the point where I felt like I had good pain control w just Arthritis Tylenol (the extra strong 1400 stuff) and so I tried to drive to pick up the children from school.  Huge mistake!  

BMW steering wheels are HEAVY... and when I was a gym going "athlete", oh just 4 weeks ago, this was a welcome little extra calorie burn in my day. So, since my little adventure a few days ago, it's been all about the extra swelling and extra pain killers I don't like taking or even talking about. Ugh. I feel like such a loser. They don't tell you that pre-op. Can you imagine the brochure? "It is normal to feel like a loser for 4-6 weeks after surgery... and that's OK. You're doing the best you can!" They should have Jerry Seinfeld write it. THAT I could understand. 

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO beyond frustrated. So I Googled "prophylactic mastectomy blog" and these honest, awesome women w their amazing blogs popped up with details. 

Here are some of my details: I have 2 vertical scars that are getting easier to look at. The Lifecell (ie; cadaver - ew but thank you people for donating your bodies to science) paper towel feeling stuff holding up the silicon under the muscle still looks lumpy (normal ... or maybe I have a small seroma under one. idk) I am not getting the nipple reconstruction... are you kidding me? To not have to worry about nipples poking through shirts sounds like a plus not a minus. I may get a light pink 3D areola tattoo in a year to just feel a bit more normal and distract more from the scar once it has faded and the tiny thing (skin folds) that may have to be fixed gets fixed... but I'm not a tattoo person so this is unlikely. We will see how it all looks under a shirt. 

I don't regret it at all.  To have some control over the circumstances life has given me seems like a smart thing.

OK, some of these awesome blogger women wrote about how they feel regarding their surgery in relation to their husband. I honestly still feel like a victim (or a patient or a better word than that) when he is around and I have to look at the scars... I didn't prepare for what it would feel like to LOOK different. It's a small part of the overall equation and I'm sure we will both get used to it.  

I get told I'm beautiful a lot by women and men and I don't know if that's just part of the female experience or if it's true in my case (and I don't dress in tight clothes or obvious decolletage) but one of the things that attracted me to my husband when I first met him was he didn't focus on how pretty he thought I was. He really focused on my words and was so appropriate and smart and since I know I'm the kind of person who turns into who they hang out with I knew it would work... because I am always trying to be more appropriate and smarter. There's just too much artsy stuff in my head that I try to push aside.

I just can't believe how slowly this healing is going. It's MAJOR surgery. 

Anyone have any ideas on which cars have a nice, light, loose steering wheel? 
Maybe I can rent a car and that would stop me needing to rely on people so much.  Thank you! 

Gotta' go find some organic magic to make for the kids... they're due home and they super-rock so they deserve some body good healthy fuel. :)  
(That last sentence (no, actually this entire A.D.D. sounding blog entry) happened 1. because I haven't been able to get my pain under a 4-6 (on a scale of 1-10) today and 2. after light housework when the pain overcame me and did a Cher smack in the face "Snap out of it!" to me, I watched Parks and Rec and Rob Lowe's character hit me the hardest - I live too close to LA for it not to. Soooo...)

ANGELINA JOLIE SURGERY: UPDATE ON BILATERAL PROPHYLACTIC MASTECTOMY W SILICON IMPLANTS NOT NIPPLE SPARING. ONE FORTNIGHT LATER

First I want you know to know I can't proof read my own stuff... I can't bear to look at myself on film (unless it's CGI'd so I look like Charlize Theron - hasn't happened yet), and I can't bear to listen to anything I've recorded on my CD's - no matter how freaking genius it is and how much disbelief I am in that I improved that right there that well from the heart. That's just not who I am. Mike Meyer's understands this about me. Go ask him. 

RECOVERY: It's been great. (Hahahahaha!) I'm still in pain. I still look like the Bride of Frankenstein that popped out of Tim Burton's head. Again, I love your wife Tim.

Here's the important part. I still think I'm funny like Lewis Black or Kathleen Madigan or "Find the Funny" Tammy Pescatelli (normally I'm more Kelly Osbourne when she grows up and realizes life is not what she thought life was... y'know... like Tori Spelling - entirely like-able people in real life I'm sure).

Not unlike Alec Baldwin and Elizabeth Banks (or as I like to call them Jack Donaghy and Avery Jessup), my husband has been gently, too gently for his usual personality which I pick up as pity - I HATE pity.... wait...

Side bar: My husband and I grew up in different parts of the country so we almost never read each other correctly and have to double check everything to make sure we understood each other correctly. That's not a vote for inbreeding people. I'm a sarcastic, creative, artsy type with prior success whose mind moves to parallel thoughts quickly and gets annoyed when you don't get my joke (like Robin Williams)... and my husband is nice and appropriate, solid and perfect - it's annoying sometimes... I have to hold all my inappropriate/funny/over-the-top-totally-normal-in-NY-but-gauche-here in my head when we are around people and it drives me crazy. 

See, I still think I'm funny. This has to stop or I'm going to have to drive out to LA and find an outlet for it... where do they keep my people the Indian Jews and other people here? NBC? Why do they keep cutting my scenes then? "Oh, we couldn't fit it in the time allotted." Wah-wah-whine-whine-wish I drank wine...

So Mr. BigAndPerfectMultiMillionaire has been suggesting for a few days that I've had a few weeks to recover and aside from Tylenol and not lifting over 5lbs I could probably get back to life.  Bye-bye night-time Valium, hello to my normal insomniac life is what he didn't know he was suggesting.

I FIND THIS INFURIATING - which is a good thing because it's the only emotion that fuels me into any action anymore.  So today, I am not taking anything for pain. I cancelled the housekeeper so I could try to do laundry (Oh yes I am.), then I'm going to pick up the kids with a mountain of red lipstick and a smile and Ralph Lauren on, and have a perfect meal with organic magic prepared for the children when they get home. Then, I'm going to ask them about their day and their homework.  

I will then spend two months donating 60% of our home contents for more "dead space" in it to fill with thoughts (and I have nice things). All this for planning a way to out-earn my Mr. Big. This is going to be fun. He thinks he is so perfect. Watch this...

PS: I'm going to try to watch "House of Cards" for the first time tonight as I fall asleep in the fetal position with liver damaging Tylenol as my only weapon. Let's see how that changes the writing tomorrow. 

Post Post Script: Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show needs more females and female comedienne's on his show or I honestly probably won't watch... and he has to fake flirt w them... and some of them have to be WOMEN (jaded and in a suit and NOT 6 inch heels) not just females... but I'm very happy for him and the first day was ahmazing (I developed a crush on Will Smith and Bono and that's saying something because I like to think I don't like anyone) ... I still would rather watch Kathleen Madigan host it... or Conan. Oh look, another white male on TV owning it. That's nice. :) Tee-hee, so happy for him. He seems so humble. :) Bless his heart.  

http://pinkaliciousintentions.blogspot.com - out (drops microphone loudly on the floor, smiles seductively, and exits stage left) #TurnDownForWhat