I've let myself go... #SummingUp #Refocusing #2013Resolutions! #BringIt# #It'sBritneyBit

Blonde to Brunette!

I've let myself go...

1. I have not had the desire for my upscale Vodka martini.

2. I have been eating almost every meal out.

3. I have not gone to the gym.

4. I have not changed my sheets in 2 weeks.

5. I have not logged onto Facebook and marketed anything (it was going well but I hate it and it is joyless now - and it has been stressful for 3 years - and it feels manipulative - as if "What can I post that will get the fans to LIKE - without being outrageous. How shall I phrase it for maximum effect. Blech.)

6. With the end of 2012 came the end of my resolution to stop "trying" to make more friends.  I have them, I have social things to do at the club, the parties and all... they're around me, but it's not fulfilling me the way the thrill of a job did... and the social anxiety of "what did what she say really mean" was killing me. I have found peace without... and I am too much of a goody-two-shoes to be photographed in anything that wasn't a work party anyway - so I can go back to work. Wheeeee! At least that always meets with expected outcomes. What?

So here's the kicker. I got on the scale and haven't gained a lb even though I am not starving myself at all. Yes I am JUST not overweight but that's still not skinny by Hollywood standards.

I am still dressing better. I can walk around in work-chic clothes because I am not running back/forth to/from the gym.

My allergy med days are still AWFUL but it is Winter and I can take a few days off and the last day off get through it with one day of Afrin before allergy meds again and so I have a few lucid days (today is not one of them).

I feel ok not overworking myself and not being so masochistic.  For someone like me, a shy artist at heart, I have gone through life feeling like I must push myself and only when I am uncomfortable am I doing something worth doing. Hate chemistry? That's your new major. Hate to be on stage? That's your weekly career. The gym and starvation hurts? It's good for you and it's your answer!  Suck in your guts, shoulders back, paste on a smile and go forth! Seriously, since I was 9. I will be 40 within a year and really... that's enough of that.

My children are doing so well, getting their A's, getting complimented on their manners, clothes, the care and consideration with which they conduct themselves... my husband is working too hard and succeeding at what he does (nothing new for him, he was like that when I met him), so maybe I can chill a little and find some ways to smile more that are genuine.

I feel like this is my year to stop the fantasies... of writing, of Paris - I've been there and I think we are going again this year but I will be separating it from the magic-thinking some of us romantic types do about it.  I read a blog by a male who typed something like, "stop the magic thinking about writing. just do it, do it daily, and it will unfold"... no I don't think that's what he typed... but that was my take away.

SOOOOOO this year's goals.

1. Keep all the good stuff rolling along. The kids, the hubby, the home, the famiglia, the country club crap.

2. Photo's of me as the brunette I am this year (because last year's blonde is gone and never ever ever getting back together). This is also known as proof to self that I am not the dog I think I am - because the Photoshopped version of me is lovable no matter how many times people come up to me in person and tell me I'm pretty.

3.  Make an EP (is that what they call a 3 song demo) out that summarises (sp) my skill set of the singing I put 20+ years into but hate - but I put SO MUCH WORK into it and there is no PhD to show for it so really what a waste... gawd. Ugh.

4.  Then write, write, write, write - don't waste one more international family vacation without some writing to show for it - not just photo's.

5. Be more genuinely joyful. Do what feels right and smart and correct but also what feels good... I think. Not too good though - not like ID good. lol Except on occasion and with hubby only. Ohgawd - embarrassed - need to flee.

Happy 2013!!!!

http://pinkaliciousintentions.blogspot.com - out (drops microphone loudly on the floor, smiles seductively, and exits stage left) #TurnDownForWhat

Drunk Mommy: Edwin St. Aubyn: At Last

I must confess I only blog when I have had four Vodka Belvedere's with water, Perrier, or Diet Coke. This is one of those moments in time. I have the luxury of 20 hours at home. No one to make a fool of myself in front of. I do not drink in public except maybe the occasional 1 or two.

My father is getting remarried. It has been 4 years since my mother has passed on. He is frankly no good at no one telling him what to do. He needs a wife, a companion, someone to be a generous hero to... and he has all that money he "easily" earns. What is he going to do with it... fund his younger daughter (not me who does not need it thank you very much) with it?

So he is getting married, and she is a good choice. And I suddenly can't shake the feeling that my brother-in-law receives this as a silent, undeclared RSS feed. OH god, I hope I am not sobering up! There was so much I wanted to say... about my new love for the Edwin St. Aybyn trilogy and how many feelings it evokes. People of privileged and all his descriptive metaphors and all that. Ugh, too sobering up.

Maybe my husband full of appropriate gravitas and accomplishments is right... there is no need to declare one's diary. One should just accomplish and strive to leave the world a better place than when one entered it. Ugh... #Child&ThenHousewifeWithAnEdgeForBusinessWhoCurrentlyFeelsEntirelyUseless #PerfectPracticalMommyWhoCanTellASaltyJokeWhenTheKidsLeave

http://pinkaliciousintentions.blogspot.com - out (drops microphone loudly on the floor, smiles seductively, and exits stage left) #TurnDownForWhat

Dukan Diet Day 2 (non-dairy)

I am doing the Dukan for the first time. Am on day 2 and I can't do dairy and am usually vegan so am forcing myself to have eggs (i enjoy) and chicken (i get grossed out about).... but something had to be done. I put on 8 lbs over the last few months and feel very uncomfy in my own skin and counting calories makes me miserable all day. The protein thing most definitely works well for me.

I ate eggs and chicken and oat bran yesterday and lost 3 lbs of water weight (but i had just had something salty/sweet the days before... it was delicious disgustingly good thai curry... so i had a lot of water weight to lose :) )

i am hoping adding approved "cruise" veggies back in my life on day 5 doesnt make me crazy hungry all the time again.  i love how on their website it gives you a concrete weight loss amount by a concrete day. so motivating and bold. love it! 5lbs down, 25 to go!


WAIT: THEN I REALLLLLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT AND HAVE FUN DOING IT: CLICK HERE

http://pinkaliciousintentions.blogspot.com - out (drops microphone loudly on the floor, smiles seductively, and exits stage left) #TurnDownForWhat

On Writers

I have been thinking a lot about writers in general and writing. It's kinda' like when you decide to be an actor and just do it... and do it... 'til you get acclaim for it... or not. I have always wanted wanted to write my story. It has no big, huge, dramatic, moments... rawther more, teenage, big, dramatic moments. What is it like growing up on stage? What is it like doing a job you don't reallllly want to but know know you should appreciate because it has it's HUGE, celebrity-impacting moments. What is it like wanting to write a tell-all but being married to a normal, responsible adult who would never want to be involved in a tell-all story.  How do those "Real Housewives" make peace with it all... all the editing for bad behavior? I suppose in this day and age it will be soon forgotten or unimportant in the grand scheme.

Sooo writing - I wanted to tell my mother's story. I wanted it to be the example my friends wanted it to be, "Tell us how your mother lived. She obviously had it all figures out and was such a shining example."  I say they should go to India. That mode of thinking will help them. That big-picture mentality would be nice. They like that. 

I read memoirs... I read memoirs of people in a mind-life crisis. I read Penelope Trunk. I read women circa their 30's and 40's (I was 9 when I realized my awesome mother was awesome in her 30's and only getting more awesome in her 40's - prettier, smarter, more everything - and I knew that was THE AGE to be - the age Anna Wintour is frozen in to me.)  and I knew she was who I wanted to be... an independent woman with an amazing moral compass and was top drawer.

Then I grew up and wanted to be the "Auntie Mame" version of me mum. Amazing, perfect, and hec yeah a little glam. Oh, gawd I am boring myself. Am gonna' go finish this champagne and plan an anti-food-binge to get ready for the fashion show. #NervousNellyIsMyNewName :-)

Be My Book Editor Please! Am Writing An "Anti-Aging Happily Ever After" book...

i remember thinking "be careful not to break it" and as i flipped over the frame on the kitchen island  to properly align the photo that would hopefully brighten my mother's day even a little, because what else could i possibly do to help that wasn't being done, it shattered. i froze. i stopped and just stared at the way the glass had broken. long strips of knife like strips... sharp at every corner... like shiny edged daggers aligned in a beautiful fan shape. one had speared me in the thigh (a scar that never ceases to remind me of that moment) and was sticking straight up and i just watched it for what felt like minutes but in reality was seconds. I wasn't sure what my next tactical movement should be but also wanted to live in that escapist moment for as long as i could.


what a relief in an odd way to pause all the chaos and fear and panic that raced through my head constantly and stare at the beautiful fan shape of glass sticking out of my thigh. i wanted to live in that moment. i wanted to swim in that moment, to never leave it... like a good book you want never to end.


my mother... my mother... my mother... my smiling, nurturing, encouraging, role modeling best friend and the woman i had been obsessed with and based all my thoughts, life outlooks, and opinions on since i was born was going through the unthinkable - fighting a battle with metastasized cancer that had come back like some unchecked demon viking to wreak havoc on an otherwise perfect, generous, positive being.


we were there every day. all of us. the father, the mother, the daughter, the surgeon, the son, the daughter, the son-in-law, the son-in-law to be, the caretaker, the other doctor, the healer, the nutritionist, the cook, the woman that helped you imagine healing, the modern scientist, the ayurvedic healer, the friend, the other friend, the many friends, the people with tears, the people with strength, the idiot brother who called so say goodbye in the midst of her battle (who i try to forgive every day) as if she already was going as if it was decided (idiot monster nightmmare that he is), the helpers, the protein shakes when the chemo hurt her GI too much, the organic,the vegan, the many books on cancer, the injustice, the shock, the things unsaid, the managing of a grand mal... and i just wanted to live in that glassy, shiny, dagger in my thigh moment for as long as i could..


how did this all begin? where does cancer begin? on a toxic railroad in a 3rd world city? do we pick up something as children, store it in our fat for 20 yrs and then it becomes cancer? are we hormonally imbalanced and perimenopause makes it happen? what are the secrets the centenarians hold? why do some centenarians drink and smoke and still live forever... why should i be good if it doesn't up my chances at immortality.


This process brought me to where I am now... happy in my CRON world of Anti-Aging I call it. The older I get the harder i CRON and find new ways to use the plastic surgeons magical filler. i want to spill all my secrets...

http://pinkaliciousintentions.blogspot.com - out (drops microphone loudly on the floor, smiles seductively, and exits stage left) #TurnDownForWhat

To Dani Shapiro regarding her book Devotion

Thank you so much for writing it. The insightful, life lesson giving Sanskrit words I heard a little here and there from my parents while growing up were wonderful to read from someone from a different culture than mine. The sweet, candy-best-bits of the yoga of my grandparents were a treat to read. All the witty Yiddish I got to hear while growing up in New Jersey was wonderful to read about from someone within the culture.
I really related to the struggle between assimilation and holding to one's cultural history and finding our own way within it. I really related to the connection between your father and you. I feel connected/bonded to my parents in that way.
There are cultural things, languages and phrases stuck in my head that I can't seem to say out loud without tears even though it's what I was trained to do and what I do best.  All this despite wanting to share and pass it on to the next generation.
I will think more about this and how to write it better and how to get all of it out of me. There is a rich story of  truth and triumph waiting to be told and I hope I get to take one of your writing courses to figure out how to tell it.
Thank you! Mazel tov on a wonderful story! XX

http://pinkaliciousintentions.blogspot.com - out (drops microphone loudly on the floor, smiles seductively, and exits stage left) #TurnDownForWhat

The Justin Bieber Movie : the best review ever! :-)

SO I went to go see a Bieber about a thing.. . because he sings and I sing and it's my job so I should see it. Yeah he sounds like Michael Jackson as a kid, yes he's is good, and yes the movie was brilliant movie propaganda (the kind I imagine Russian politicians using).

It starts off showing you how awesome he is, his amazing dance moves, his voice coach,  the good music, the crazy lovesick Beatlemania-isque fans, his grandparents, his team, his mom, his hype-man (Ryan? whose job I have where I work and looooove it!), his struggle to sell out Madison Square (which happens in 22 minutes), him as a child star. It ends by teaching us the words to his biggest song, him bowing to god, him as a child, him being referred to as the underdog (bah) and fade to black.

Marketing genius. I walked out of there wanting to go find my HBO video guy and make it happen, I wrote a song while I was watching the movie (and it's honest and a good start - ahhhh I've just spilled it - that is the thing I should always be doing but never am - the 20 year music career which was taken from me due to medical reasons - the thing I fight for daily - bring it back the voices say - don't waste your 20 years - but there is just fear, solitude, and sadness there now - in that musical space and every musician I meet is a pothead/slacker with no hard core work ethic - I like science, music and dance is my drug... and maybe coffee, I like to work hard, so I am still finding my way and making friends with my protools software slowwwwwwly), it was motivational... not for the children I went with but for the marketing gal in me. 
My computer is having a fit so I will post this and come back to it. Note to self: type up posts in Wordpad first. :-)

Adieu XX

Post Script: The one scene I was surprised they left in was when Justin comes off stage and is still in "serenading the girl/turning on his charm mode" and he hugs everyone and goes to hug his mom who was zoning out probably from fatigue in a corner... they show her surprise expression of "why are you coming up to me in seductive mode"and then she snaps into mom mode and says "That was amazing." I loved that scene too. It was odd enough to stick in my head and shows an example of how they are just taking it one day at a time and alllll raising this teen the best they can.
I love these docu-movies... am hoping there are more! :-)